Break

Tomorrow will mark one week since I painfully made the decision to take a break from a man that I can say I love very much. I'm still processing it all, and I continually ask myself about my next plan of action. Each day since last Friday has been hard; the weekend was the worst of it, but I knew it had to be done for the sake of our relationship.

Relationship; camaraderie; rapport, whatever you want to call it. It meant something, and still means something. However, I recently learned that the people you attract and are attracted to during periods in your life are based on your current disposition at that time. So, if you are a broken person trying to mend yourself together, you may find yourself attracting or being attracted to someone of the same caliber; this isn't set in stone, however.

Mother knows (poem)

So, I used to be a poet. And here goes one of my poems:

Mother knows her son is hurting
And she wishes she knew the burdens that have been plaguing her baby.
She’s constantly waiting for him to tell her his problems;
It’s mother’s instinct to solve them.
She calls him to her room, then asks him …
“What’s wrong? Do you want to talk?”
Her eyes are sincere, She wants to hear…
Heart racing in fear
For she second guesses if she really wants to know …
He tells her, “Nothing.”
Hurt feelings register from his tone of voice to her heart …
Though he no longer occupies her womb,
the bond that is mother and son cannot be broken.
In that very word spoken …
“Nothing” registered as hurt
“Nothing” registered as loneliness
“Nothing” registered as a need for acceptance.
That “nothing” was all the something that mother needed to know that her
baby ain’t feeling so grand …
Although he is a grown ass man
She still wants to protect him, so she begs him to tell her why he’s so sad
Why is he often mad,
She knows that he is blessed beyond measure, so things couldn’t be that bad …
But
Mother knows her son is hurting
And she wishes she knew the burdens that have been plaguing her baby.
She’s constantly waiting for him to tell her his problems;
It’s mother’s instinct to solve them.
Until that day comes, she’ll remain waiting.

Hope you all are doing all right. I really need to just have a moment to clear my mind and finish a lot of posts, but until then, I hope this poem suffices for moment. Much love to you all!

A look back (Part 2) --- Thursday, March 22, 2012 2:00 PM

Continued from the previous post . . . . .

In the previous post, I wanted to show you all the emotional and mental state I was in before I sought help. I wrote it almost 4 years ago. I was 21, overworked, sexually frustrated, and depressed. Every day was a struggle, and I found it easier to just stay in bed when possible because I grew tired of dealing with life. My whole perspective about being gay was blown, and schoolwork was piling up on me. I was a fucking mess, pretty much. 

At times we can get caught up in so many events in life that come along to build our character (the good and bad) that we end up with too much on our plate. Instead of taking these situations one at a time, we try to multitask with the mindset that working on multiple things at once will allow us to get done with those situations quicker; however, trying to handle so much so quickly can often break us down and wear us out.

I was balancing too much, expecting too much, thinking too much, and worrying way too much because I was in a rush to gain control of my life when I was in fact losing control. The truth is that I didn't know what I wanted. I really didn't know if I wanted a friendship or a relationship with someone of the same sex, and I damn sure didn't know if engaging in sex would ease my problems. School was the last thing on my mind because my job (making money) became more important; however, I still wanted to make my parents proud and graduate. And my social life? It just dissipated while I tried to hold on to friendships, while sneaking around trying to "establish" new friendships while braving my sexuality.

I really don't know what else I can say to tell you that things do get better. I try to emphasize the matter in just about every other post; however, I will say that there's more to just saying that life gets better. That phrase should be followed by the coordinating conjunction "but".

"It gets better BUT it takes work."
"It gets better BUT you have to believe it gets better."
"It gets better BUT it takes time."

It's now Thursday, March 22, 2012 2:00 PM. A lot has changed since I posted that message in that Yahoo group over 3 years ago. I can happily say that I'm no longer in that place of frustration and confusion, and although I have a little ways to progress, I am proud of what I've accomplished so far. Me, being here speaks volumes, and hopefully shows you that it can and will get better BUT . . . you have to hang in there.

 Much love you all.

A look back (Part 1) --- Sunday, November 16, 2008 7:22 PM

Hi all,

Been in this group for almost a month now, and from reading some of the posts, it's cool to know that other guys are going through the same thing (even though I knew this already). However, it is also disheartening to certain degrees as well, but I may comment on that separate issue later.

Right now, I'm just in a place of total confusion, frustration, and deep depression. I am a 21yr old blk male from Alabama, and I work full-time as well as attend school full-time. I already lack a social life, and on top of all things, my ability to suppress my sexual feelings towards men have almost completely deteriorated.

Back in grade school (from 5th all the way up to my 8th grade year in middle school), I just felt that my sexual arousal for guys was just a part of puberty, but I soon realized that they were not. They are permanent feelings that are not going away. Jerking off to gay porn held for the majority of my life, but as I started college, things became different. Dudes looked at me, which took me by surprise because I'm just an average kat. I've known about the underground of men sleeping with men, but to actually witness it, is totally something new.

I'm trying not to be so long . . .

Penis Post

Let me see how big your dick is. I need to see that pulsating piece between your legs; may it not be below 7 inches because this is what a gay male should expect each time pants are dropped to the ground. Magnum fantasies, borderline fetish because every man wants a 12 inch member digging around their intestine. Please don't fail my "Breed It Raw" misconception, "Dawg Pound USA" expectation, because I know "It's Gonna Hurt", and trust me, I want it to. They say it feels better once you relax the muscles because that warming sensation soothes the pain, and boosts his ego.

He's a porn star hero, and you're his power bottom. Triumphant that you can take a big dick, then throw that ass back. Don't matter if he lacks good intention, I just want to know if that dick he brags about in his profile is worth the Twitter mention. It's #MandingoMondays, then #BigDickTuesday, then the rest of the week is as long as that schlong.